High Stakes

It's been 2 months i've been working in my new company. Whatever i've achieved, are all in communication skills, live up a very good impression to any clients i met. Soon, i found myself denying the truth, i'm not as great as anyone in this industry, i'm just a chump, pretend or wannabe sort of asshole. Why i said myself like that? That's because the way i am, being selfish all the way. I'm not selfish to anyone, but there's another point. I'm too selfish to myself.

Have i ever think what kind of future lies to me? Not quite, i'm always thinking that i might live a good life today, tomorrow will be tomorrow's sorrow. As always, i give a big smile or laugh to anyone, whichever they're sad or happy, it's equal. Happy makes sad 'happy', happy makes happy 'happier'. My 'happy' are just faking to anyone i met. I'm full of miseries and sorrows.

Much much more people out there felt more sorrow than me, maybe with their nature cause, they're more sympathised than me... They have shown themselves to the world, millions of people. Me, i'm just only could put all my whining in this blog, and i don't expect millions will be reading this. Perhaps i should get the chance to shoot out my sins...

So, my boss told me twice about my performance. And he found that my learning process was slacking, indeed i got plenty of complaints from the clients. It sounds ridiculous, why i was never told this before? My boss gave a minor hint about my visits to them, and he possibly rejected their reasons on me. What he had to do is spreading his sweet humble talk and convinced the clients...

"Give him a chance, he's still new."

I don't know which client had the dispute on my performance, i just hope whoever he or she maybe can give some advices, not poking behind my back. It's been a while i never work in an office. The reason i never work in an office recently because i suffered from mental pressures. Something like, if i'm much too disturbed on my mistakes, i felt very low self esteem and wished that i could have myself all alone, think hardly what should i do with a reasonable purpose. I know there's not many people doing so, they could spend their money cruising and go for a vacation. I don't have that kinda money, all i'll do was sit at home, watched a few movies, a big pot of coffee and a big pack of cigarettes that can last for 6 hours, no matter on day or night, weekdays or weekends.

I found something very disturbing in my mind. I think too much though. I never felt so much mental pain before. All the words come out from me it's like i'm having a breakthrough wisdom. I thought i knew everything, and i can't remember it, and it keeps turning like a turmoil in my head. I don't do much reading, and usually how i acquired these thoughts were from my pal and some other irrelevant person. It's magical, and some people never thought of writing down whatever they've thought of. And how would you think when listening to different mode of music?

Fast tempo?

Slow tempo?

Sentimental?

Rock?

R&B?

If anyone knows about the relevant ones, please put in your comments in this post.

I listen to fast tempo rock, then slow tempo rock. Then it goes way around until it changes the groove. Rock grooves? Yeah, see how you define rock then.

Ever since i found myself cleared from the miseries before, i was settled down, have a great peaceful life, getting a better relationship with my family, friends and love one. However when all gathered around, it's still left my future decisions. Like, what kind of job you expect to be profession with? What target in life do you have? For so many years of struggling, are you ready for the big one?

I could grew better in my life if i stay on with my education ever since, i don't have to think what am i supposed to do in my future. My education has guided me of what i'm supposed to be. Somehow this may not apply to any unfortunate ones, who gets the best out of their education and found nothing for them to do in this world. Well, both are sympathies, either one of the unfortunate ones chose the wrong path, or too late for them.

You see, i don't understand how i got all these in mind, neither i could understand what am i saying. If you realised there's something good about my saying, please drop some comments, i need to know what's the significant other of me?

Believe me, i gotta doze off. Make sure my saying won't twist your mind, i bet you're laughing at me.

Adios!

Night Session: Not Expected

The whole Saturday afternoon after i woke up at 1pm, my girl wanted to go for lunch in haste. As usual, she always bug me for lunch or dinner while i'm trying to sleep, i mean whenever she's at my place, she's like my sleeping pills, i get to sleep well. She likes to eat, and mostly she's the one who got hungry first. Then my boss called and asked me to go Pandan Kapital to see the carpenters doing the client's job. After lunch nearby my place, i went there earlier and forgotten to make calls to the carpenter about his arrival time. He said he would come later, then we went back home to watch some movies. I fell asleep again and my boss called me before i woke up. Again i've to go there and check things up, the job was done, found a mistake from the job, tried to call my boss but he never answer, sent a message telling him i was there surveyed the job. Then we went for dinner at Telephone Restaurant, Pandan Perdana. We had steamboat cum grills, rm18.80 per head, and my girl treated the meal, haha. Funny thing that she took all the seafood and we had less grill food, also she got big portions of food till i can't fit much to my stomach, she ended up eating everything, got herself big belly after that.

It was fun having dinner there, quite cheap plus a lot of selections on food. Later on, cy called and asked me to go Q-Bar with him. At first i said i don't want to go, then he kept on pursuade me to go... Ah, ok, he needs a companion after all. My girl wanted to go also, oh well, you guys won, i've to go back and get changed...

Q-Bar's at Sunway, a place always being mentioned by the college students around there. I stopped myself going these places, trying hard to save some money to buy a pc. I really need a pc to keep all the documents from my phone, so far i just use CD-RW to back up my files. I understand there're times i need to go such places before i turned old, but i begun to lose my interests to these places, maybe i have my girl spending time with me, so i guess disco is not a place for us, perhaps our love nest? Haha...

Kia Seng was there with his friends, so they have their bottles while we paid our cover charge... (fucking rm30 really kills me..). Q-Bar was partitioned in 2, the front side was all R&B lovers while behind of the side was the techno type, which i don't really enjoy, but we were there and so far the DJ played his best and made a good impression on me, and i stayed a long time enjoying it.

Cy's busy talking to a girl he knew from a friend, just like an old days stories for them to tell each other. Then he drank too much till he started to say about weird ideas he got and eventually i wrote it down cuz it happened to be some good ideas to do some other time. Then we went to the R&B dance floor with the girls around. Later, 2 young guys came closer and i suspected they wanna court the girls i'm with. Then they started their conversation with...

Me...

What?

They asked me if i'm interested having drinks with them, i said i'm leaving as soon as my friend got out from the toilet. Then i courageously asked them, what makes them interested in me...

"I think you are sexy..."

(I'm sexy...)

From a guy's compliments...

(I'm sexy...)

ARRRGGHH!!!

(I'm sexy...)

WHAT THE FUCK HE SAID TO ME?

(I'm sexy...)

Before anything go further, i excused myself and went back to my friend's place to chill out. I told cy the incident and he laughed at first, then advised me it's great to have someone thinks that i'm beautiful. I'm not beautiful, i'm cool... (nah, just kidding) I wished it was a girl who told me i'm sexy. Actually what cy said was right, even they're faggots, they valued people's beauty in everyways... Unlike the girls we hangout with, some they just don't give compliments on guys which really beautiful, they usually kept to themselves. Some they eventually speak out, but it doesn't mean it's true, just entertaining some shit sort of, superficial? I 'pantang' faggots hit on me because i really hated that. Any matters, it's my fault to neglected the faggots cuz i should've told them i'm a straight guy, with a girlfriend. They're nice and seriously won't get offended if they knew they found the wrong person as they were told. I'm not prepared myself meeting faggots hitting on me, so i guess it's natural to me turning them off... Sorry about that.

We left at 3am, as soon as we're back at cy's place, my girl had to drive her car back home. Came some calls to cy, then asked me if i wanted to go for a session. A session in a hotel...

Wow...

A session that i've been waiting long years ago...

And i'm invited unexpectedly...

Cool...

Everyone's there, girls too. Mostly i met Jason, our former Airtight Noise drummer, came back from U.S. (that's what i heard) Jeffrey was there too, along Fang Heng, Jeremy, Andrik, Wendy, Anson and some other friends came and left. An executive suite, my oh my, what a nice room enough to fit all of us. Liquors available but i had enough from the Q-Bar. I liked the bathroom most, very classy and comfortable, felt like taking bath there but the bathroom door doesn't have a lock. Andrik brought his I-Pod and Altec Lansing speakers into the room and put some groovy trance music to pump up the session... Everyone's enjoying the session, i watched tv, danced a few moments, talked a bit, but mostly i enjoyed the session.

What happened to them fortunately given a hotel room was, Fang Heng and some friends attended a pool party. So there was a competition which the contestants have to bottoms up the beers and whoever won, he'll get a free hotel room. And so Fang Heng won. By promises from everyone will stay for a session gathering, each obligated to be there to celebrate. I guess i'm lucky to have friends like that, took some pictures and had fun time together, till 7am (i guess, i saw the sun begun to brighten the room), Jeffrey and Jason left after i dozed off. Leaving cy and others talking in the whole morning.

Then i was awake at 12 noon, ready to check out. With blurred mind, i do need another nap after this. Fetched Jeremy back home, then went back to cy's house and slept till 7pm. Cy had to have dinner with his family, he lend me his car so i could go my parent's place to deliver the Video Camera. Had dinner with my sisters, my parents were out for a dinner, heard from my sisters it was my cousin's wedding dinner again, maybe it's just close relatives gathering. Actually i supposed to attend, i forgot about it totally.

National Geographic's showing Zheng He's history, just in time watching it for an hour, then i went back to cy's house waiting for Jordan to pick me up and have dinner together.

Still, the whole session from clubbing to hotel, i caught flu, cough and sore throat, i yell too much during disco, and i lacked of sleep in the hotel. And i got myself deeply sick the day after. I took MC on Monday, spent my time listened back to the gig's track and writing posts that i neglected passed a week.

Thanks to my phone, i can do it anytime...