High Stakes

It's been 2 months i've been working in my new company. Whatever i've achieved, are all in communication skills, live up a very good impression to any clients i met. Soon, i found myself denying the truth, i'm not as great as anyone in this industry, i'm just a chump, pretend or wannabe sort of asshole. Why i said myself like that? That's because the way i am, being selfish all the way. I'm not selfish to anyone, but there's another point. I'm too selfish to myself.

Have i ever think what kind of future lies to me? Not quite, i'm always thinking that i might live a good life today, tomorrow will be tomorrow's sorrow. As always, i give a big smile or laugh to anyone, whichever they're sad or happy, it's equal. Happy makes sad 'happy', happy makes happy 'happier'. My 'happy' are just faking to anyone i met. I'm full of miseries and sorrows.

Much much more people out there felt more sorrow than me, maybe with their nature cause, they're more sympathised than me... They have shown themselves to the world, millions of people. Me, i'm just only could put all my whining in this blog, and i don't expect millions will be reading this. Perhaps i should get the chance to shoot out my sins...

So, my boss told me twice about my performance. And he found that my learning process was slacking, indeed i got plenty of complaints from the clients. It sounds ridiculous, why i was never told this before? My boss gave a minor hint about my visits to them, and he possibly rejected their reasons on me. What he had to do is spreading his sweet humble talk and convinced the clients...

"Give him a chance, he's still new."

I don't know which client had the dispute on my performance, i just hope whoever he or she maybe can give some advices, not poking behind my back. It's been a while i never work in an office. The reason i never work in an office recently because i suffered from mental pressures. Something like, if i'm much too disturbed on my mistakes, i felt very low self esteem and wished that i could have myself all alone, think hardly what should i do with a reasonable purpose. I know there's not many people doing so, they could spend their money cruising and go for a vacation. I don't have that kinda money, all i'll do was sit at home, watched a few movies, a big pot of coffee and a big pack of cigarettes that can last for 6 hours, no matter on day or night, weekdays or weekends.

I found something very disturbing in my mind. I think too much though. I never felt so much mental pain before. All the words come out from me it's like i'm having a breakthrough wisdom. I thought i knew everything, and i can't remember it, and it keeps turning like a turmoil in my head. I don't do much reading, and usually how i acquired these thoughts were from my pal and some other irrelevant person. It's magical, and some people never thought of writing down whatever they've thought of. And how would you think when listening to different mode of music?

Fast tempo?

Slow tempo?

Sentimental?

Rock?

R&B?

If anyone knows about the relevant ones, please put in your comments in this post.

I listen to fast tempo rock, then slow tempo rock. Then it goes way around until it changes the groove. Rock grooves? Yeah, see how you define rock then.

Ever since i found myself cleared from the miseries before, i was settled down, have a great peaceful life, getting a better relationship with my family, friends and love one. However when all gathered around, it's still left my future decisions. Like, what kind of job you expect to be profession with? What target in life do you have? For so many years of struggling, are you ready for the big one?

I could grew better in my life if i stay on with my education ever since, i don't have to think what am i supposed to do in my future. My education has guided me of what i'm supposed to be. Somehow this may not apply to any unfortunate ones, who gets the best out of their education and found nothing for them to do in this world. Well, both are sympathies, either one of the unfortunate ones chose the wrong path, or too late for them.

You see, i don't understand how i got all these in mind, neither i could understand what am i saying. If you realised there's something good about my saying, please drop some comments, i need to know what's the significant other of me?

Believe me, i gotta doze off. Make sure my saying won't twist your mind, i bet you're laughing at me.

Adios!