Thought of the day: Was it me or the Almighty? (Friday 22/12/06)

I know there's somehow a reason why people hiding their truths behind them and live on, and without careful consideration, things won't just get better when it only hidden, but not solving it.

I bare this courage this tell everyone here my problems, and it's truth to be told as i created this blog to serve its purposes.

Therefore i don't mind any critics to come and have a sharing of thoughts among each other. Regardless with the contains of any personal matters, i'm telling this to get things improved in the way i can read my mistakes from here. Serve me right, let's head on.

......

I admit, i'm a bastard. Irresponsible, selfish, grumpy, lazy, heartless... From all these points, i'm trying to eliminate them. One by one fades, and i became better and better, only the process was taken way too long from the past years.

Everyone gave so much hope on me, each by each i disappointed them. And i knew my true self, i'm not a real capable person.

Even thought no matter how much i tried, there's a limit for me. It reminds me that once i played billard for years when i'm a teen. I played with good players, and for many times i've competed them, i never even once to have more winning rates than them. So far, i'm far behind from their skills. I did practises, however i'm a rotten shit, i hold the skills and it won't get better after all.

I worked all my life, more than studying. Every job i've taken, i'll work just like any other person out there, just to survive and earn money to buy things i like. I never had any real dreams before. I had a band formed with my best pal cy. With both of us then, we're nothing at all. Never once a gig, and we've more than 20 songs composed together, along the years. I never did contact back my old friends, old colleagues, friends met somewhere not significantly.

I just work, being raised salary and position, buy my own favorite things and hardly thought of having a girlfriend. Even thought back then, i did flirt around but it doesn't seen to be a long lasted ones. I had nothing to lose, i lived on, until '97, the worst case ever happened to me, by contrary, it had been a good time...

Yes, i met a girl. She's pretty, and we happenly to have the common introduction in between: love at first sight. It didn't last long either, and i met back my old flame that my so called pet brother snatch it away from me. I was desperate back then, and few months later her truth reviewed.

I was sceptic at that time, blamed that i'm selfish and young to accept her matters. Well, all good things come along, after my parents decided to send me for a graphic design college, and i went for drop outs, which shows i'm just at a limit of interest, which i wanted to learn music in Yamaha Music College has been denied by my parents.

The reason? I'm in drums and they said it's too loud, plus it won't get me a career. Till i worked then, i met a chick, so hot that you can't let her go even a second. Round eyes, thick lips, cute ass and... Ah, too explicit. Again few months, her truth reviewed... And i was totally breakdown for long time, couldn't accept the fate of me meeting up chicks with issues. And i became an issue too, depressed like fuck, trashed away my good life and all's well damned well too.

I had debts, problems with friends, and i'm back again, alone... My family was faded in my mind, i thought hard that i could just free myself from all these stupid mistakes. I had to solve it, and which has becoming a matter of craziness to earn money...

I went to look for jobs, real big bucks jobs that i could regain my old life back without any cruel attachment. I was too careless till i was tricked to work none earnings from a company. It's a scam, big time one. For 3 months i'm stoned in there, with all the brainwashing shit in the seminar, even i was trained to do the same shit. Hopelessly, i quitted and went for a better job. And on i went, from jobs i've skipped, until i was downed so much, my parents back to me.

My dad sent me to his friend's company, dealing in clothing, wholesaler and trader. I worked there for 3 years, been suffered so much of boundaries. Unlike any other jobs, this is considered HELL. Imagine i've to work in a place, and sleep at the same place.

For months i'm doing it, and i'm considered the lucky ones as the rest who came worked earlier than me, they had to work for a year, if the shops weren't move to other places.

I'm a pioneer back then, with part of the boss' management power, i ruled the whole nation's branches and subsidiaries. But with great powers, comes great responsibilities...

In fact, i had everything in control, only when came a few new stooges who tried to inherit our main positions in order to take over the whole damn business, this is where i myself add in... Sorry, but back then they seemed like gangsters which just came out from prison or something.

Thus, things weren't right since they came, and i was so much being misunderstood by my boss. Being a pioneer, i've been handling things so well, i even slept on road during outstation, without water to survive in 3 days, disasters upon human and nature, i overcome with all of them.

I even been tricked by staffs, being hurt by staffs, and never once i got these problems to be my boss' priority.

And therefore, time to time my boss went greedy at his business, i'm not sure where he heard all the great rumors to earn big time money in short time. He gambles, enjoys in night clubs, drinks like no tomorrow, and even stay out late night like no home to return to. With his companion's influences, he had all the reasons to be smart on business and went drowned to self-respect.

Once he told me, "I'm a fucking millionaire! I'm so fucking rich i could buy your life and you wouldn't have to worry of your expenses. I can be your dad... Wait, your dad's much riches than me, why you son of the bitch be a good boy to him? He's so rich he could bring you true happiness, you know, stupid? If i had a dad like that, i would've been someone like my big boss (which refers the one i knew, the perverted guy who's son is my old school mate) who owns a building in Pudu, right? Why don't you put yourself together and make things right? I can tell your dad loves you so much and he could do anything just to make you be a better person! Which you did, you could have a nice big luxury car, a banglo, girls calling you day and night just wanna get laid with you... You could've thought of these since you're young, with a bunch of rich friends you have, you can't see what's from them, like there's a way to turn your table around? Look at me, stupid. See my neckless? See my cellphones? You seen my car and drove it right? How does it feel when it's all yours? You bought them with your money, hard earn cash, plus not to mention about your dad's back ups, you could buy anything you want, as long as you just listen to him, be a good boy and hide away those hideous intention of the girls, i can see it through your eyes..."

It was hard to believe his words, from dreadful to lively. I can't bare to think more of those and i just went on my life, and bought a car. Things became worst than ever. My boss was curious of our monthly income which over his expectation. For us, it served us right to earn such amount.

He went unreasonable with us, telling all the stories of bad turn over... And our salary was set one rate as take it, or leave it...

That's awfully disgusting reply from him. I just got all settled in mind to buy a car and leave the company for better jobs. I'm through with all the bullshits of going India and open shop there, open a subsidiary at West Malaysia, me and another supervisor will be operating there. It all became empty, and i went blank for all the thoughts of lies from my employer...

In the middle of the year, he went bankruptcy without any notice for me. I was sent home for some time just to wait for their orders. My dad was very angry with them, oddly it's not to me. My boss ran away few millions plus my dad's debts of RM20,000.

For the reasons i heard, he lost many in his gambling debts, the gangsters went to the office and swept all the office equipments and goods. The gangs almost bashing them, just in luck, my uncle was there with some cops and everything in control for that moment. What's more, they were angry of me using there petty cash as i've informed them earlier, they threatened me to give me a good bash if i don't return those money.

Of course, on that second thought, i revised my EPF savings to them and my boss' brother denied any terms of believing my facts. I was angry and went to search the truth. With a statement, i gathered all the amount and what becomes an answer, they still owe me RM50+ rather the unusual amount requested. Since my dad went to look for them usually, i passed my statement with all the answers included to him and he'll be a judge to get my rights back. Yeah, they never need to pay back any balance they owed, i just want them to understand that i'm not what they seemed to think.

I was very disappointed, and there after the case was a history, i became indifferent from what i am. I could realise this since i was having so many conversations in life with my best pal. I was so in pain with the past, i knew i've wasted most of my youth, to learn and to be better. I was so hesitate to make such a vital decision before they collapse.

A few left contacted me and told me that they've knew this may come to them, what they've done in the past, like bullying the staffs with beating, scolding the staffs like they were born artificially, ignoring the staffs in pain of homesick like they're just a tool to make money runs for the company. Well, karma falls and devastated their fantasy life, being rich in years and being poor in just a snap, a decision to make may leads to another unknown path.

Karma falls to me too. I don't know if it's my attitude, i can no longer as persistant as before, timidly at what comes worst to have a con employer, working without salary, and indulged with the rich scams again...

I brokedown again, fell deeply in darkness, i can see myself a potential being, i'm careless in everything comes to me, i'm weak, i wished to have a better life, i wished so much it turns out my way of life, a shit hole...

But then, i found a love, incomparable, irreplaceable, exceptional, extraordinary woman i met in life. She regains my life control, i became better slowly. I've most of her influences to be good, thereafter the things worked out better and i went back to my parents and helped my relatives.

I've done so many things in almost a year, and i still failed to make a living. A chance given to work with my cousin, i grasped and worked as hard as possible... And i failed too, the history has over written much of my overdones. I'm still the same, the fucked up. Which i am now, writing this, have things to story out, and what comes next, it's for all the people to know what's true life of being given and cherish.

As i failed, my girl never once back me off. She was a true one i found which i knew the Almighty has something to do about it. She made plans for us so that we could have a better life in future. I was so flattened with all hearts i could offer after hearing her says.

Oh my Lord, what have i done all the time? I'm striving for nothing all the time, and there's people who planted hopes for me struggling to survive in my circle of life. They knew i'm still need some chances to grow, for whatever they think of me, i'm flattened too.

My parents, for one by now, the most important people in life. Since i've failed many times, they kept pursue to make me a better person. They loved me so much i ditched all the offers in past. I do regret, really.

I regretted what i've became. I'm so self-centered, i only think the problems i made only within myself, but never noticed it affects others too, like they went sorrow when they found out my problems. They're worried of me. I knew it since i was very young. I was trying hard to do what's best for them... Hey, that's the sentence...

"I was trying hard to do what's best for them..."

timeout...

You see, we're someone in future to work things out, and perhaps for what everyone does, building a family. To produce descendents. What brings ourselves a person with a working and loving mind, we could adapt to a thing which the rest preferred something else.. With the social influences, we do have our self-respect to own our individual living lifestyle, materials and way of life.

As matter of fact, we understand what parents supposed to guide us, in the end of our days, we only left ourselves to eat our shit, no one's gonna wipe our asses anymore. True enough, our path of future only for us to decide, but it became a question to me. Have i ever did it once in my life?

When i story out this, i hope everyone's in a positive mind that i'm not thoroughly influenced by them of their situation right now.

I've seen my best pal cy did his 30 day artist project well, in respect, i saw him 2 years doing so. He's a freelance now and currently in one of local's TV broadcast company. Before then, i helped him do freelance at KRU. The job was really convincing me how real the world are, and whenever i watched any movies or dramas, i'm very focused at the actings and backdrops, audio and visual effects...

Even i started watching the casts and the crews of the show. I wonder why no one bothers to watch until the real 'The End'. That's pretty insulting, but the matters of the viewers couldn't bare much of the energy to watch that much.

Hey, 2 hours movie in a cinema, big screen was great, but eyes went sore and blur, that's the price to pay too. Mostly viewers just enjoy the movie, only for the movie freaks like me, would go as far as i could.

Only i can't do what my best pal does, was the artist project. I can't do paintings, never done it before and never thought of trying out too. Recently, his work was published a preview in magazines, interviews on newspapers, even our friend offered him to publish his painting stories in books at bookstores nationwide. Honestly, i'm very proud of him, and never once i envy his achievement.

I encourage him to do more, like what he usually does, telling stories, which reminds me of everytime i stayed overnight at his place, he would have tons of stories to tell. Never deny, some friends came and they had the same reply as i do.

He had some part time projects, shooting wedding videos. I was in vain of helping him the other day and for now he's alright, been submitted the work long time. It appears to have some difficulties and somehow it'll be ok anyway. He told me (entirely made up but close to),

"I love art, as all the things related to art, i'll see it, feel it, and even illustrate it. Paintings, music, comics, books, toys. Anything relevant, and i'll make sure i put all heart, no matter i'll be famous or never, i will still love art, and if i could prove something to this world that art could not be neglected, art will make life even better. So if you're so good in something, why don't you put effort at it? Don't always think it may give you a good life, rich and famous, whatsoever. Let it flows smoothly, just do what you are supposed to do, not you think it's the instinct told you to. We're old, and it's time for now to see if we can make it to the peak, if it doesn't, never mind it so much. Remember, life is just one take, if you never do anything you ever wanted in life, you'll never find rest when you're about to leave to world. Whether you bloomed it or not, at least you tried, to be what you want to be."

Which brought another case, another friend which stayed in Penang after his long time working in KL few months ago. He also participated in 30 Day Artist project and for now i heard no news from him, i hope he's alright then. I did call him few times and searched for his reasons.

He never utter anything about it. I partly understand why he must do it, not about the influences, is about what he wanted to do about his life.

It's not only these 2, there are few more which really evolving from what they're supposed to. Everyone's changing instantly every second they made a faithful decision, and for me, i'm still nowhere.

After my girl's encouragement, i'm very proud to say i'm blessed, i'm not sure it's from the Almighty or from the love ones beside me. I knew i'm a bad person, never been considerate of their feelings deep down inside. They wanted me to be someone they could be proud of, only one thing they never noticed about me.

I tried so hard, and got so far. In the end, it did really matters... as i revised back Linkin Park's lyrics. Funny, i've told myself i shouldn't take any offers that leads me to now. I encouraged to try, it didn't work out anyway. I'm not good, as i'm telling the truth. No pushing me for that i could be someone in just a snap. It's not even once my parents asked me what i wanted to be, it's me all the time, that never decide what i want to do in my life. For once i did, that's way much too over and they never did agreed.

For now i wanted to say, i'm so sorry. I apologised everything i did, in past and now. I wanted to change, and it's not easy for me, as karma falls on me so many times i hardly could reach a pole to stand. My body's exhausted, my mind's tired, and what least i could do is to try some more, cut down whatever mistakes would occur.

I need some support, and seriously, i need more time than anything else. I will try hard, and i will give in myself to the Almighty, that He knew i'm in need to be better.

Thank you.