Lateness has determined my another path of life... (Monday 18/12/06)

I'm suck... I'm irresponsible... I'm a shit head. I'm given too much of chances to be a better person but one bad habit that i can't get rid of... Is my sleeping habit.

I could sleep a long time, if it's a nap, it'll be a 4-5 hours time. Normal sleeping time will be around 9-10 hours. I was told any people could sleep less hours per day and managed to regain much energy. Yeah, that won't be me. I don't know why i can't coop up with my sleep, once i did, i'm like a dead corpse. That's what my dad usually insult me, "If it's a fire, you'll be dead by then!" somehow these words could encourage me to die off, as i've accidently proven myself i'm good to be dead by anytime...

Why i sounded so down? Do you think i purposely created this blog for fun? I'm in a progress to be good, only i can't do better and it got worsen when i gave a try each and every time. I never did realise myself being a sleepy pig so well, i could piss off any employers. I'm good for nothing, and perhaps even i'm given so good opportunity, like high salary, with my this real bad shit attitude, it won't help me going for long term.

Bottom line is... I'm a real good-for-nothing person. Seen my blog's punch line? 'Where Miseries Beyond Boundaries'... This is my misery, and it's already leaped beyond the boundaries... What's my boundaries?

I'm not well educated. I never owned any certs of bachelor, master... I don't know what's all these shits mean. What diploma, or degree... I don't own those, not even SPM or PMR shit. I left school at 14, worked 12 years and all i've earned is nothing... I mean in good points, in bad points... I learned much hatred on people i knew, from colleagues to employers...

For all the years i've worked, i begun not to trust anyone. I trusted much, helped much, and sacrificed much. In the end, i had nothing in return. What experience of work? I worked more than 15 jobs and none of them i could survive in more than 3 months... When i got real serious, a 3 year old job with Meikah has been destroying my determination and time. Another part time job ran off my salary. I was so indulged in making good money after that.

I went to find better alternative, yet the investment was the pain in the ass. I failed from that, lost so many friends because of that, and almost lost my girl. I hadn't given up hope, i started my own business with another friend... Failed again, just because lacked of investment... It's all about the money... And everything changed my life after i've discovered myself incapable of all things... I became so down, i even got robbed and was forced to stay in to recover for a month... And a year almost leaped...

And my dad searched for me to see how's my life... Yes, it got even worst than he expected. Now he got me working with my cousin brother... And again, for few times of lateness and some misunderstood of my current status, i failed to meet my promises to them... For not being late of work...

I announce... I woke up at 9.55am today, and i clarify myself late as never i could mend this back, and for the punishment to be amend, i shall be terminated from this job and search for another one, and be a better person in life, another chance to prove myself. No doubt my cousin pays me so less till i almost can't even spend a day in a month going window shopping with my girl.

Once i started this post, i never thought of any suitable jobs could continue my life yet. I'm still in vain of my situation now. My dad will be so disappointed at me. As i've told him, if i really did worked for them, i could happenly being late for work. As in their reply, i should be more efficient on my sleeping time, once the time's up, i should be awake and get myself prepared for the day. Believe me, i've been telling ugh myself each and everyday, i could never achieve it as i just can't do it! I don't know why, it's my problem then? I knew it's my problem, i can't be staying alone and on one's helping me to wake me up.

Do i really need a person to wake me up every morning? I shouldn't, i'm old grown up man, but i still can't... I just can't wake up in time, not always, and sometimes... And i don't know why the hell the alarms won't work. One big alarm clock, one small alarm clock and 2 cellphones with alarm functions... And still, i'm late for work. I stayed so nearby my office, 5 minutes walk and still... I can't make it punctually...

I worked nightlife, and i still can't make to work in time...

Wait, i got my weakness... Am i lazy?

My uncle said i could work so well and i only have a biggest weakness... Being lazy...

I don't say i'm much lazy. I'm quite a hardworking person... I don't know what's with me, i never been through such attitude in my past life. I worked as i never realised i'm a horse, i lived as i never realised i'm a beggar, i played as i never realised i'm broke... I've different taste of fashion, food, hobby, girls, games, fun, laughter... So many of it, i become so idle of everything by now. What's my curse of these? Do i want it to be like this? Or it's my destiny? Or my life's just the way it was supposed to be?

My lateness has changed my path of life so many times, i've lost count of my working life, lost touch in fun. And all these had turn me into a skint person. Everyone could see me as a happy go lucky person, deep down inside, i'm just being miserable at my life... I'm not satisfied at my life...

"You've good looks, girls would prefer a guy like you, and you know how to make music, sing..."

"And also you know well in lots of things which i don't..."

"In fact, you're lucky to have something we don't..."

"Nobody's looking down at you. You've to prove yourself you're not as bad as they think. Don't give up..."

"Don't complaint so much on what you have or don't. You should be satisfied of what you have now..."

Hmmm, it sounded so nice to hear. In fact, everyone's supporting me so much. I tried so much, i got no good results for them. I quitted much on giving tries and i told myself to try more and more, even now... I've lost, failed and good for nothing...

But... I haven't giving up hope at my music... For all the careers i've breakthrough, i've lost. I knew this would be impossible or difficult... In fact, i'm more keen at music rather anything. Precisely, i've got this theory some other day when i was so depressed by my life then... Career, it could be important than anyone. To me, career has nothing to do with my life as i'm not as educated as my girl, cy, my sisters and very much comparing with other people i knew. Money is the wise thought for me. Since Career could create any amount of money, so any amount of money could create a career, fair enough?

Honestly, i don't have a career or money. To start out, which's better? Career or money? Work for career or work for money? Got career then how? Got money... I think it's not impossible to think of a thing from it. So money's the best choice, ain't right, for me?

I gotta work this all alone, work this out. I've thought of a resolution for myself, let's say i've given promises of not being late. I'm sure it's a curse that i'll be late one day, it'll happen. I won't promise anything, i just do whatever it takes, and see how's the results. I can't be honest at my good skills as though i knew i bragged too much, in fact it's not, i'll be breaking my promises accidently. It never worked well as i said my good points earlier. Why bother about my best skills and experience? To be a stupid, saves much of my chances to live on. Being smart brings me down too much. Oh no, i'm getting myself confused...

I told myself not to put any kind of feelings at it. No feelings, brings not much damage at your skills to work. What's the real damage that i was not putting my heart to make things right. Too many heart into, i might get myself so emotional that i can't get things right too... Motherfucker, i'm such an asshole!

What's wrong with me?

Alright, things already happened without any resistance. I'll be looking forward to a new job and see how well i could handle it, again... Sigh, i'm a fucking loser...

Thanks for reading, i supposed you know my weakness so bad i couldn't think much of my life now. If you're not hesitate to help, please drop any words of advices in my comments. I'll appreciate any helps can do much improvement in me.