Family's Proposal... (Wednesday 21/6/06)

I never wanted to go anywhere as i tried not to get myself moving around so much, once i tried to move, the wound's dried skin would tear and the nana goes wet all the way. Just as i thought i wanna ask my dad about the name of the medicine i used before when i caught in motorcycle accident, he called.

I was curious, i looked at his caller ID... Why in hell he would call me at this morning? Does he knew i was injured? Who's the fucking backstabber? Or maybe my parent were sick or something. Thus, when i'm gonna pick it up, he hung up already.

It's been 3 months i never talk to my family. I never really talk to them, we're meant to be like water and oil. I'm just all alone, even i'm in deep shit, i never tell them. So, i called back, just being a son's responsibility to know what's going on...

Well, he never shout at me, with his calm voices, he asked me about my recent's life. Of course i'll never tell him i was injured, just told him i'm fine and what's up. He never said much, just asked me to be at my cousin's office to meet him, then he hung up. Blasted, i'm sure my gangster uncle was there too, he's about to question me lots of things and maybe it'll turn out to be arguments and fights. I'm all tamed because of my girlfriend, i never yell, shouted and fought with my dad anymore, never even think of it. But just as long as he would talk nicely, everything's gonna be fine. Let's hope no one's gonna be the "ignition"...

When i'm on my way there, i already know what they wanted from me... To help my cousin's company. A pretty good deal, but i'm all the way... Not interested. I was like a numb guy cooling myself looking out from the bus, hoping there's no argument. Then i reached at Pudu. They knew i'm gonna take a little while to reach as the traffic was a little slow movement during afternoon. I went to have a drink, preparing myself for the bad issues of the meeting.

Once i'm done, i went there, my dad and my 2 uncles were there. They asked me about my Char Kuey Teow stall. I said it was fine, my partner's handling, so i need to have my other survival option. And then, they started asking me to work under my cousin. They'll pay me accordingly, and somehow my 3rd uncle Bernard (tell his name 1st cuz later he'll be more into this issue) offers me to be his apprentice. He works as an immigration officer, a freelance, for your information, he's making big cash and the richest in my relatives circle. Yes, his office is mobility, he does his job anywhere, and that's probably a cost saving type boss. No workers, only partners, and he's sort of like a gangster, always talk about his pride of relationships with the Bukit Bintang mafias and Bukit Aman's high officials. Seriously i'm sick and tired knowing about his powers, but i'm his nephew, he wants me to know about him so when i'm into shitty time, he'll be there for me. Yup, then what about my dad? Can't he do something like my uncle Bernard? Nah, only i knew my dad will beg his little brother for help. Beg or ask, i don't know. It's not nice to have my dad asking help around since he's so with his pride. Don't get me wrong, i love my dad, he's like a King, so he shouldn't be sort of a helpless person. But then again, a big family should help each other, and therefore my uncle Bernard is the one can be helpful. I don't need him to collect all the credits, i'm sure he'll take out all his pride of helpful when someone's trying to correct him. By all means, i hate people always being righteous to themselves.

As you know, old folks like to talk about their past history, so i listened.

And then they came back with their main topic. My uncle Bernard said, he's planning to go London to open a restaurant, companying my cousin sis, whose a degree holder of hotel and restaurant management, finally she ought to have a big career in overseas. Good to hear that. And he's in vain leaving his job behind, and currently he's looking for a trusty apprentice to take care of his job. And that'll be me, as he had decided. Only if i could agreed with his proposal, my benefits will be:


1. 5 figures income in 3 years time. I don't know if you guys acknowledged of working as a freelance immigration officer. Just like my cousin's business, he came out a big sums of money for my cousin to operate a business. Bottomline is, he has taken care most of the expenses which most that my relatives hardly could afford. He's a rich guy, and he never wanted to see a nephew would still far behind from every cousins and sisters of mine. Yes, i'm still in pace of fortune, very, very far behind. And so, for a start, i'll be working as a handyman in my cousin's shop. As soon as i'm free from work, uncle Bernard will bring me to meet those high officials, make business relations, and do his job partly. He even told me a day's job already cover my whole month's expenses. There are people who knew this good opportunity would pay my uncle with any cost just to learn his skills, as for me, zero cost.

2. He knew that i'm in crucial in financial issues. He even aware that i'm gonna waste my whole life settle it if i'm still low profiling to work as a normal wages job. He even calculated most of how am i gonna be successful in long years. He got my weak points, and i thoroughly admit that, that's all i got, and i got nothing to lose. As a matter of fact, i'm losing my point of living. Everyone should have their own goals to achieve, like driving big cars, living in a big house, as a boss in a corporate business, and so on. I'm not a very high educated person, and i'm just a half time good in everyways, considered useless already. Then my uncle asked me why am i so low self-esteem. It's all because i'm too confidence at myself, and it turns out i'm still far behind from everyone. I'm already given up being so high value to myself, the main thing i want is to be peaceful in my life. What big cars, big house, lots of money, all bullshit. I'm destined to be someone average, and to hell with the fortune tellers, i'm gonna be wealthy and shit. What's so great about being wealthy? I'm already unhealthy, i got minor heart attack, i can't work heavy jobs anymore. I was almost got robbed, my leg is still a piece of shit, and i'm not going to earn 2k per month in my whole life because i'm not eligible to earn so. And it's best for me to survive, stay and hold on to my life to be as peaceful as possible. That's all i told him.

Then he said i shouldn't be like that, and told me everything that's gonna be a puking time for me. Indeed, it's all about me, and i never ask them or beg them, and i don't want to understand why they insisted is all because i'm part of the family. Why me? And not my cousins? My dad even said they're not educated to handle this job. And i can? I'm not educated either! I asked my uncle, what's so great about me. He sort of like stuttered a bit, and told me i'm good in talking and making relationships with others. Hey uncle, you know what you used to tell me during Chinese New Year? I was jobless, and you told me if i'm good, he'll considered me as his apprentice, and even stab me of saying he'll be turning his bowl of rice upside down if he even let me handle his job. And what's the point considering me to assist him now? What's the catch? Ah yes, he's going to London... So? Is he offering or begging me now? I never said i'm trustworthy to them, and i never ever wanted them to trust in my ability too. He's bullshitting. Don't you think so? Yes yes, when someone care about me, they would say something to excite my nerves. Whatever...

3. Free meals all day, and free laundry from my aunt, and free room rent without complaining. I do my own laundry, ironing, dish washing and stuffs... I'm not a prince, i'm just got to know being self-helping. Why these benefits could make a person to be greedy at it? I felt it's a greedy proposal, a lust to be a loser at home. Nobody trust me that i'm not greedy. I'm not gonna prove it, it's not my style.


And so on he kept giving so many options for me to get out from the deep sea. Only if i agreed, i'll be sharing room with my younger cousin brother, and for sure i still get my own freedom, and nevertheless, Astro... Yes my favourite past time entertainment, MTV... For my sake, i'm told my uncle... I'm not interested... If only he could let me stay where i belong all the years. He disagreed, and he wondered what so special about the place i lived. Heck, it's a peaceful place i'm staying, i strictly disallow people to stay same room with me, except with my girl. Also i don't like to stay with relatives, so many things about me they'll know and would tell my dad. What goes wrong, i'm getting screwed. But of course, it's not a big deal but in a parent's mind, everything's a problem, because they overprotected me. Talking about staying out late night, like clubbings or so, they would just disallowed. Girlfriend? They wanted me to be gay in the end of the day. Why would i say so? Because they want me to concentrate on my career... Sigh, i'm gonna be gay if i'm staying with them, just not hoping to it. When they said i still have freedom, can i smoke in my room? Of course not, then it's out of question, also for disallowed to bring my girl back in my room for privacy reasons. So many boundaries, of course in the end of the day i can't stand it, and i'll be in rage to argue and fight with them. I'm tamed, and i don't want to have the same shit happened again. I moved out, to let them have a peaceful life, and for me too. Only this matter they don't understand, and still ask me to change. How to change if they kept doing this? Why they don't change? They expect me as a robot? I'm not grown up to be as they wanna be. I'm like that, and i only wanted to stay out, just to prevent havoc in relationships. Stubborn relatives. If i could coop up their advises, it's already been done few years back, why now? Come on, wake up and smell the vicks...

However, i'm the one whose to blame. I've done so many mistakes and problems, still they cared about me. I really appreciate it but as long they would allow me to stay where i used to, it won't be a hassle to them talking to me for hours. Don't tell me they've wasted their time and energy talking, i also tired of listening to something that's not even 1% for my sake. Indeed, it's a loving and greedy proposal, no one would just let it go. Wonder why i just never think through and let it go?

Lastly, my dad was tired negotiating this issue with me, only want me to say, "yes" or "no". I replied "No..."

They were shattered, with a slow voice asking me to leave. Their sore faces embossed to the atmosphere, i can feel it enormously. I know it's a disappointing decision. I can't barely agreed without little sake of mine. I left with a hardened heart, my mind was clinging somewhere in the air. I'm a bastard, but i've my reasons. I'm sorry to them, and i'm sorry to myself.

I was on the bus, same like before, looking out of the bus, watching the crowds struggling their life for living. It's already a hell for this living society, everything changes that somehow not everyone could possibly catch up. But they survived, like me. Compared to them, like everyone said, i'm already the luckiest person so far they known. Why me? What's so special about me? What am i good at? I'm a half skilled loser, everything i do would just halfway success. I doubt i could managed my uncle's job. Meeting high officials is already harder to meet corporate clients. One wrong move, i'll be in shitty lifetime. I've no confidence handling such hard tasks and it might bring them down like a fast stream. I never considered myself so good, and never expect anyone to ensure themselves i'm good. I'm average only, i'm best at my current status, upgrades are fairly uncertain. I tried, i gave hopes to everyone and i've let down so much i dare not to try anymore. What's worth if i'm already destined not to be someone they want? I'm satisfied that i'm being someone to survive in this moment, just like any other people in the crowds.

They still have my younger cousin, make them successful. I'm 26 and no more fantasies of good career and shit in my life. Survival is the best option so far i could managed. I don't want to be in vain of things i heard and be at my own decision. I might get confused easily.

Who should i listen to?
Friends?
Parents?
My love?
Myself?

.......

When i'm back at my place, the feelings never wear off. My mind tossed and turned, about their disappointments. There are so many reasons i can't put in here to explain why i must reject them, regardless that i need to stay where i'm supposed to. I'm satisfied with my needs, and even it would take years for me to cover my shit up, it's my will to handle. It's already a destiny for me, i believe in God, no matter how deep shit i am now, there must be a reason. I'm fully accepted it is because He had shown me my karma and omen of life. I learned so much from it.


Somehow, time will tell. Things gonna be alright. After my issues settled. Harmonious days will come to me.