In Progress to be part of the TEAM... Part 3 (Wednesday 23/2/06)

It's been few days later after i talk to my dad. I'm still thinking about his rejection.

I didn't slept for the whole night, companied Seng at our station. I'm stucked up of how to find a way to convince my dad. I'm like nowhere to go, only Seng is the closest to me to regain my mind's strength. Early in the morning, i had calls from EON Bank's retriever, he messaged me and said he'll have to tow my car away... That's it, i know i'm already hopeless now. My dad doesn't want to help but encouraged me to be in the end. Surely he knows it's the best for me... He thinks... And it's about my part of life, he thinks... He wants to be controlling me... He knew he's right... I'm wrong... I can never prove i'm right... Anymore...

First of all, i hated the society cheated me. Previously i worked for Pepsi. I can't say i'm stupid enough not asking when's my payment will received. Now i've finished my job, and the other way round they would hesitate, procrastinate their promises. I hated it so much that i'm nowhere to go, nothing i could do about it. I don't have money, car and a job. Am i hopeless now? Yes, a total one. Maybe some might be the worst one than me, but i always think i'm the worst one, doubt the rest.

I'm here at the station, all the way watching Seng playing Silkroad Online game leveling his character. He's not worried to have no work or prospects. He had 3 prospects for this month, waiting for them to be part of his team. I've none, of course, cuz i haven't joined his team, and because i believe i can do it, no one believes it. Until the day i REALLY could prove it, it was late, everyone's far from me, just like i started playing online games, and everyone's far from me because i started late. It gives me so much relevant scenarios which could apply my theory of doing this business and yet my dad could think i can't and useless, and also they could do because their rich, and whenever i said it wasn't, he'll ask me to follow them, not him. I don't why he's thinking like that. I'm not sure if my sisters are happy about their life now. I'm sure they knew, but just don't know how to change it. If they've given a chance to be better, they just say they're better for the moment, not in better for a better chance. They don't believe this and that, cuz my dad implanted them his mind all the years. They can do much they wanted but it's too late, cuz they're in late 30's. And i'm sure what they've achieved can apply to my life. And i clearly know why i never wanted to be like them. I know what i want out of life, be better than them. Now's the chance, and i'm been cast away from my family because of this so called cheating business...

Other than this, other business which requires you to cheat more in order to survive, it's no cheating, perhaps it's learning... Bullshit, i can't say i knew everything, but i've gone through the method, and same goes to cy. We've been in sales before and he knew he had to cheat, be someone he doesn't want to be. He knew all these things and he never wanna get involve again. I knew too, but in this business is not about cheating. You think cheating won't get bad deeds in return? I've had a lot from my past, and i'm being cheated by lots of companies, and i'm terrified to be cheated anymore... Most of all, my dad don't understand and wanted me to get involve in these cheating society again...

I'm so sad, felt ugly at my situation now. Supposed last night i should meet my girl, after meeting Seng, i went home. I thought a lot of why's, like my dad's case, causes between my heart and lungs squeezed tightly. It's not the first time i had this symptoms, since i worked in Meikah, i had sort of the same symptoms. When i'm in stress, i'll have these symptoms, sometimes pain in heart, then lungs. I wonder if my dad has heart attack, did my grandfather died because of the heart attack too? And if so, it could be same to me, a chained sickness. Sometimes i'm in pain, i couldn't work for a day. And then it creates misunderstood between my dad and my superior because i never tell them why i absent to work. Seriously, i never told anything about this to my family, my friends and even my girl, cuz i understand why they don't believe me that i felt pain like this. I'm young, and therefore it's hard for them to see. When i'm in pain, i'll kept it to myself. Talking about seeing a doctor... I don't want to know what's going on with me. What if i did? Do my dad really gonna help me? What he'll say to me if i'm in pain like this? "Useless son, always gives me problems..." clearly enough to my actions, i never wanted to disappoint my dad, and no one, in this world, could understand... They only knew i just wanted to have fun, and forgetting i ever had a family in mind... And i know i'm running out of time, i'm sick, and so my dad. Before my time runs out, that's it. One chance in the lifetime has ruined... And i'm in the ruin now...

You know what, i finally understand no matter what i did, i never get applauses from everyone. Why i need so much effort to do what's the best for me and in the end everybody thinks i'm bullshitting? Fair enough, i don't have to come up any ideas to persuade or more to do the best for me, no more. I'm fucking wasting my time and effort, everything i do was wrong. So be wrong, let them hate me, disappoint at me, forgetting about me, once and for all. But i hope what i did it's not gonna be a pollution to this business. I'm sacrificing myself to let other fathers understand what their sons want to do for their life, not the fathers want their sons to do for their life. If not, why in the first place giving him life to see this cruelty world? I really hope what i've sacrificed, it's gonna change a father's thoughts, not thinking of this wasting effort of mine as bullshit. Nobody's doing it, but i've started it, and hope no one after me will follow my steps but to understand my sacrifices... I'm not stupid, this sacrifice could really help a lot of people out there, to be strong and open mind to all what's cheating and not cheating. There's so much more i could say about good and bad but you must seek the truth to what's beneath. If you never breach the walls of curiousity, never in your life will know what's good for you, or what's bad. Try out and learn, with life of trial and error, you'll grow, and be success in future, never be like my dad, who claimed himself successful but never could provide me a chance to try out this business, and he's a failure... He's old, and everyone's respecting him. I can't put myself respecting him for what i knew his mind of old methods. I can't blame but i have to, because he never wanted to understand me.

"when your baby's born, he's crying, for every reasons he wanted to tell you what he needed, it's very hard for you to understand what he wants. Slowly, you'll find answers, by trying everything that could possibly make him at ease. And the time he grown to a small kid, and always wanted to play, ask you to buy toys for him. And you think buying toys is pampering him. And all he knows he likes the toys, and surely you need to understand why he wanted it, not by neglecting his interests. After he joined schooling, he wanted to learn music, art, computers, all sorts of hobbies. You think it's just a part of interests but useless to prove himself he could make it out larger than life, but if you understand why he wanted these, maybe he really likes it, no matter you don't like, he'll try his ways to make you give him. When he's out to society, he wanted to work as a profession job, and schooling fees is getting expensive and he wanted to be someone he could be claimed as successful. Mostly, you know whether it's good or bad, but not opening your mind to understand. Of course, you job could provide better life to raise him at his age now, but all he wanted to be someone, himself as a part to prove he could just to make you proud. And you would give him, and with trial and error, he does nothing but failure. And possibly he never wanted to tell you he failed, he tried lots and lots of ideas until you had enough to see him in pain. Your son will never feel pain, but learned lots of things that you've seen thoroughly in your previous life, just as a matter of fact, you knew, and you don't want your son to be like this. And he knew, he must to be like this, as his choice was made, and always he'll tell you, you won't understand cuz you think he can't, and mutual misunderstanding started here, you kept telling him you can't, you won't provide the chance he wanted to attemp. Then he started to hate you, why you never give him try. He knew you're protective to him but he's not yet proving himself to you he could do it. And you'll feel disappointed at him because he never listens to you anymore, because you wanted to control his life..."

And that's all i needed to say. I can't see what i can do to my future children, i wanted to give better life than my dad and all my dad wanted is peaceful. Never will be peaceful to be judge if you don't know what's coming in the future. A chance to make a better life, starts now, and never procrastinate your ideas from negatives. Try listen to those who REALLY achieved a better life, a REAL successful person, not as claimed as successful as my dad.

I believe everyone knows what 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'. My dad's Poor Dad, the successful Ricky could be my 'Rich Dad', but he's not old enough to be my dad, he can be my brother.

What's rich? What's poor?

A real defination lies here...

Rich Dad:

1. Rich enough to provide better life for himself and for his family.

2. Rich enough to have own free time to do the things he wanted, and dreamed of. Like more time with family, vacations, hobbies...

3. Rich enough to have less stress, healthier life. No worries on bills and debts, free from all of it.

4. Rich enough to help others to be like him. Automatically he'll be respected from the people he helped and gained most of the dignity he ever wanted in his life.

5. Rich enough to prove himself he could do whatever he had failed many times in his past life.

Poor Dad:

1. Poor enough to stress himself how much more he needed to provide for his family every month of his life...

2. Poor enough to stress himself at work more than his family, whenever he's busy he won't be at home when his family are waiting for him. When his wife asking about vacation, like what other families did, he can't simply take leave (to many responsiblities for him a must to be at work) and have money (every expenses already paid enough to survive without an extra) to take them for a happy vacation.

3. Poor enough to have sickness from stress at work, headaches, negative thoughts on all the boundaries. Bills from education fees of his children, insurance, food, utilities, house, cars, loans, and so much more, he could hardly breathe just to manage all these all by himself.

4. Poor enough to seek help from others, and eventually the more help he found, the more disrespects from others. Soon the more deeds he owed, the less help he found when he really desperated. When it's time his friends needed his help, he also can't provide and his friends are losing hope on him as always being a problem to himself, and to them...

5. Poor enough to prove to himself he could, and the more and more negatives he could get from his friends and his family, his mind will creates hatred, to all he ever encountered, not to himself, as he never found a chance to change his life, as he was always lead his life as he had to, from his dad, the great. Thanks to his dad, he's misleading his life in this new era of society...

That's all i needed to say. Fathers out there, you may hate me. Not always everyone does has the right thing to prove, if you concentrate enough these points and understand it, it'll sure helped you to be a better person in life.

Know and understand the difference, 'KNOWING' it, and 'UNDERSTANDING' it.

Thanks for reading, this is my last post of all. The time you're reading these, after a few days later i'm long gone. Please make sure you understand my words, don't make my sacrifices a waste. I'm doing it for the sons of the fathers who ever wanted to prove they can.

Thank you very much, Good Bye...