The SYN meeting at D.C.H.L. (15/2/06)

It's gonna be very tough for me today, as i've been waiting for 2 months, long enough that inside me, i'm almost burst to decide that i'm no longer will stand up again. Last time i went to meet my dad and we both had drinks together at Taman Segar. He still have the anger at me when i do things improper and made him disappointed. Therefore whatever i need to say to him is definately out of the questions.

Once and for all, i made up my mind, whether he like it or not, i've to bring him to D.C.H.L meeting all the friends i knew and have him convinced that i needed to be part of this business. After 2 months of observation, there's no way i could prove it wrong. Everyone's only wish is to be a better person in their future, without any worries on debts and no free time for their love ones.

I met Seng at our station. I told him i'm gonna fetch my dad to our office. At first he didn't agree me doing so, but the fact to let my dad knows what i'm gonna do without showing him something which can fully convinced him is not a good idea. The best idea is should bring him there and let him see what's going on. And so i called him, as usual he'll say bad things about me and almost i couldn't make him come out with me to our office. Of course, i did apply few white lies (God, please forgive me) just to make sure i'll fetch him there, with an open minded, let him discover what's the purpose and the intention i wanted to do in this business.

And so, it's about little drizzling out there, i asked my dad to wear long pants, in case that he's protected from coldness. He didn't care much about what i say, just wore a shirt with short pants. My experience is when i'm at the office, i'll be like freezing in there. My dad didn't say anything at first, while i was on my way to the office, located in KL centre, he asked me where am i fetching him. I just simply said i'm fetching my friend Seng to his office and we'll talk nearby there. I knew he found me fishy doing so, but i can't just tell him the truth at first, or else everything's ruined...

We reached at the car park, and my dad asked me again, "where the hell is this place?" Geez, it's too early for him to know much, i just tell him be cool, we'll talk upstairs, there's tables and chairs available for us. We already got out from the car and still he remained inside the car. I know how he felt, but without the lies and insisting, he wouldn't be here. Thus, i open the car door and just said everything's gonna be fine, no one's gonna take you elsewhere do bad things... He got out, blurred his mind while following me to the place we need to go.

At first, we introduced him the sales area, all the Lampe Berger stuffs (the lamps and the aroma oils) from outside to inside, and he was like away from what we're trying to let him see. Seng's taking the tour guide and he felt a little difficulty due to my dad's behaviour. I can't say much to him cuz the more i'll say, the more he'll be in anger mode and starts to make a quarrel scene. I don't wish to have such scenario...

And then we went to the discussion floor, and he saw many people who were discussing the business, to him it's sort of a surprise. He looked around the people packed the place and even there's training room in progress. We found Ricky, our team leader, just about time he's free to have himself start out a conversation with my dad. We sat at a place, then they all introduced themselves to my dad. Eventually my dad didn't know Seng was my classmate during secondary school in Datok Lokman. Then i told him, and he's surprised too. (well, it's hard to tell his expression but he's my dad, so roughly i know what he thinks.) Coincidently Ricky had a good common business talk with my dad, same field, in clothing industry. At first, Ricky went on and on with their favourite topics, we just listen, and later on my dad started to talk about my stories to them. I already know that no matter how much my dad told them, it wouldn't affected them much. Because we're in the same shit, some may just recovered from their shit and some still in progress to turn a new leaf. My dad went on and on and seriously it's not the point for them to know more bad things about me. All they do care was if i have a heart to do good, i've to passed out my past and look forward to the future, that's how they were trained from the business. I know it's essential for them to listen to my dad's whining, every father will tell bad stories about their children to others, and seriously, if i'm Ricky, i don't even want to listen those shits either, i'll feel annoying, "why do i need to listen other people's bad behaviour? It's spoiling my mood!" Don't you agree? Heh, bet you're not, busybody!

I know that if the more time we spent in the office, the more thirsty and cigy time we felt desperate. So Ricky suggested to have some Chinese tea and some food together at Hakka Restaurant, just opposite our office. It's sort of difficult to cross over the road, so many cars passed by and i'm worried that it'll be troublesome to my dad. Yes, i hope things could go smooth... And we were there, Ricky continued his topics with my dad, ordered food and we ate. After that, Shui (Gary) and Chew arrived, also introduced themselves to my dad. So the whole topic was about China, it's quite interesting to know more about their culture and living lifestyle. Besides, i got interested to go vacation there, maybe with my family or with my darling... (yes, i won't forget about you...) and so, it's already late and i'm sure my dad is nervous to be back home, probably my mom worried of him. Just about time i wanted to make a move, the rain started... Blasted, even more i could think and worried it's troublesome. About few minutes later, the rain went drizzling again and i managed to head back to the carpark to fetch my car, and drive to the restaurant. I left with Seng, and he told me, he believed that my dad was convinced, unlikely to his dad and Shui's dad, were more complicated to be convinced and be fetched to the office. Of course, my dad's nature is to listen to others, and believing them, instead of me. That's sort of his weakness. (i know it's a bad tactic, but if i wanted to do this business with all my heart, even it's a bad thing you think, i had to do what i'm supposed to do...) But i never put high hopes on my dad's thinking, he'll asked his advisors (my uncles, my other uncles, my other grand uncles from Pudu Majestic...) to give a best answer for him to think of it. As... Usual... Sigh...

I went to pick up my dad, left Seng with the others discussing their matters. So on my way fetching my dad home, obviously he went bazooka at me all the way, and i just kept myself quiet all the time. Soon, he kept himself quiet... Hah, he's thinking what's going on just now. What has Ricky told him during my time fetching the car... What he told Ricky when i was not around... I just kept myself quiet and drove all the way back to home. It's still drizzling and i wanted to company him back at the porch with an umbrella. He said it's ok with anger, slammed the door, and went on his own. I couldn't just get out from the car and show my courtesy... He's angry, and i've to let him be... I know i'm bad, and i know that it's his nature during his anger... Fuck, did i do wrong at the moment? Damn, besides, what can i do...? Maybe... After a few days i'm sure he'll be alright.

Then i'm back to my station. Wai was at the cybercafe playing games. Actually he supposed to be at the office, he told me that Gary left earlier, without a transport, he couldn't be there. He said his dad just read a news about a 17 years old teenager boy who wanted to convince a girl to be part of his team in MLM business (not SYN), therefore the girl didn't want to get involved, and so the teenager said bad things about her, and the girl can't tolerate his words, make a news headlines... And this issue had made a bad impression to Wai's dad, after they did closing their business (his family selling Fish Head Noodle), his dad kept saying bad things about our business. Due to the arguement, Wai was late for the meeting. I wished he could be there to see my dad's reaction to this business and the friends i knew. I don't say that it's my part of success to have my dad to be there, this is just an experience for us to learn, and somehow i started it, and there's no difficulties so far. Anything we do in failure or attemps which leads to success, it's for everyone to learn, and to share ideas and build new ones. And the summary of the news, both were commented, it's nobody's fault, it's the matter of money.

Soon, we both went yamcha and about a little while Seng called me, the whole gang were at another place nearby Ampang. We went there, and there's a higher ranking couple were with them. The guy called Jerry, currently well progressed and driving BMW 325i, his girlfriend, Maggi, from China, surprisingly could speak Cantonese well. And we all discussing about business and tactics, and another i fetched along, Sum, he's still in progress to convince his dad that he wanted to join us as a team player. His case was almost similar to mine, his dad will only listen to his best friend. Then, Ricky told me my dad did say something after i left to fetch my car, but he never detailed the whole thing, only my dad will considerate for a day and willing to give a chance for me to the business. I tried to ask more in depths but he said it's not important, everything's in control. And he asked me what did my dad says when i fetch him home. Yes, the Bazooka thing, all the way.

But still, i stay strong, i knew just a nag and scold won't harm me much, if it does, well... I don't wanna say this but, everyone's wondering what i'll do when i'm meeting the END?

I'll buy some liquors, cheap and hard one, buy lots of pills which could drows me like a maniac, get a sharp knife to cut my wrist (after got myself drunk like shit, the pain of the cut would felt like only mosquito bite), with a flat bucket to put my wrist in to let the blood flows smoothly, and bye bye to this cruelty world. I felt hell is nearing me, accepting me to be a slave to them, be tortured and forgetting what i want in my life. Devil's always calling my soul, i'm so near to it, and i pulled back most of the time. Yes, how about i'm a loser now, and never to be a loser in the future? That's what i think, but like my dad, he thinks i'm always a failure, so why i need to waste more time and effort to bring things back to good if there's no hope left?

"when you are announced to be loser, forever you are a loser..." (with devil laughs)

...hmmm, i feel like doing it so much cuz i don't wanna suffer anymore in the real world... But i can't just leave my darling behind, because of her, i stayed strong, as i wanted to succeed in my life. Yes, i'm desperate, and it's announced that i'm hopeless... Fuck, i'm still with my grateful soul, i've to do it!

Anyhow, if me and Cy in a challenge to suicide, i could say, i'll win! Trust me, if i failed...

After the discussion, everyone's back to their crib, and left me wondering what's gonna be tomorrow. I don't have a job right now, yes i quitted the Survey Officer job, my superior is badly dressed than me, i don't want to work for such loser. I wanted to ask my dad if my 3rd uncle wanted an assistant. During Chinese New Year, my uncle did mention that he had a job for me. Only he don't trust me. He kept on saying that i could work, i'm smart, only i'm lazy. Actually i'm not considered myself lazy, i realised that i'm well low self-esteem on my performance and always fast quitting behavior... The moment i knew i can't perform, i'll be sad, and never could've someone who'll understand my condition (i'm not saying you didn't support me, darling) and whenever i tried to tell out, i never do, cuz i might let my best pal felt moody... And also as always, he never wanted to listen to my work problems, as he had his own problems too... If i tell my dad, he'll be angry, and nagging and scolding, the more down i would. So far all the things i've been through was like all by myself, and somehow these symptoms made me lose my jobs and i'm announced to be a loser and a quitter, with fears and anxieties.

What it's so important that i want to be part of the SYN team? They had been through the same shit and they played a teamwork to help ourselves, listening to other's problems and solve it together, that's why it's essential to me. They mind supported me a lot and everytime i'm with them, i gained my mind's strength, and never would someone say bad things about me and i would feel low down. I felt great with them, and the purpose and intention to let my dad know today, i want to change, befriended with business minded people, start doing something that i could achieve what i want.

If ever my best pal cy's reading this, i just wanna let him know:


Anything can be evil, is just how people influence this on others. If that person is evil, any kind of business he do would be evil. Salesman can be evil, developers can be evil, actors can be evil, accountants can be evil, even MLM can be evil. Everything happens to be money, the main issue that affected a person to be evil. Why a boss could be evil to their workers, giving air compliments, empty promises on salary and promotion? Then why bother burden yourself doing your job if you think it's partly evil but you have to do because you need to eat, have fun, buy stuffs and court girls? You'll disagree my point of views cuz you've your point. Honestly i'm in positive mind, not to penetrate these to your mind but to tell you after all the evils we knew, we became part of them, and i'm struggling to pull myself out, and see myself there's hope in me. You've been down in years and you're about to fade away... Open your mind and tell yourself, do you want to get up? Don't hate me telling you all these, you're my pal, this is the best i could say.

Thought of the day... Fuck, did i ever hurt his feelings?