Again, My Life's Biggest Weakness...

"When you work in a crappy job, you always find it hard to leave it. But when it comes to be a good job, you always find it hard to secure it."

After i left school at 15, i don't care much about my low educational shit, i always believe that it won't be a problem for me to find a job. I could work any kind, besides office jobs that required high profile, that i can't provide. I came through a few office jobs, i never gave them any certs or diploma docs to show my potential, usually i talk to the bosses or managers, they'll listen and perhaps most of the time they'll give a very kind considerations and therefore i usually get the job. I'm very happy about my initiative to find such good job that i won't have to let people look at me in different angle.

Bless, i could work a few months probation and somehow i can't survive more. The first attemp was i don't own a transport, but that was the time i started taking driving lessons provided by the company. I heard most from my boss, nagging me about my immobilised issues. Before i use the company car, i used to take public transports to reach any destination i should be. Soon, i found it very waste of time and i can't make up the time to meet the clients, ended up they'll have meetings or they went out just as i expect to meet them by the time i almost reached their offices. I begin to have low self esteem feeling, i rather have myself quit the job and continue to find a job which i don't need a transport for work.

This case happened lots of times, and since then i haven't make myself clear. Usually when i joined a company, soon i found myself incapable, i begin to feel low self esteem, hide myself away from the contact, and when someone's looking for me, i begin to fear, i ran more further just to get away from my confrontation. And i became irresponsible... That's all the people who are close to me talking about it... Just as i expected, i became a total failure...

Yes, my biggest weakness in my life... Irresponsible.

Cy cared a lot of my situation, he feared that whatever i've done, it could be him who influenced me and most of the time when i'm righteous, it'll turned out sour to me, naturally. Last post, telling about my boss begin to have a thought that i'm not so useful for his assistance after all, again i have got into my weakness formula, ended up losing the job anyway... How could this happen to me?

After i left my previous company, garments retail and wholesale, i was jobless for 2 months, and of course i didn't pay my car installment and even my room rent. At first i was so desperate to find a job. Soon i found a sales job, selling office equipments, but the location was very far from my place, each day per to and from trip, i need to travel 60km. If i should inclusive my sales travel, hell it's about to blow my wallet... And there's no claims for petrol, tolls and parking fees, sadly i'm always running out of money to survive, can't find a sales, my boss have discrimination on me, most of the telemarketing sales given to a girl which came exactly the same day i joined the company, i got none. Eventually he asked me to do door to door sales and never i could penetrate any sales to them. I was fucking devastated, i couldn't bear myself having small portion of wages to pay my monthly expenses. Even my colleagues begin to pollute my mind on company's politics... So much negatives gone through me... And my weakness formula begun to dominate my mind. I lost the job. I could say i'm partly happy and partly sad about it...

Another month went on, jobless. Soon i applied Jobstreet and some other relevant job seekers, got everything i need for the CV, made calls and found a job in Sri Petaling... Yes, now it has become my ex-company. A fucking good job ever in my life. Nice environment, good pay, satisfied working time, friendly colleagues, best boss... And i fucked it up again with my stupid weakness formula, it ran through my mind again...

How it's gonna be? Seriously, i'm stunned, looking at myself fucked up like that... Any reasons will be, my dad hates me, and i've been like this ever since it started. He's been asking me to work as a taxi driver, better make a decent and survival job, and eventually asked me to sell off my precious car... I've got scolded by him for an hour, i was totally ran out of mood, can't concentrate of things i need to coop up, but i was in stable emotion, i kept myself away being in anger. He left, and so i left, back home, get a cracking mind up to think more about my fucking stupid mistakes. Actually i fetched my girl along back home, i told her everything about my situation and she was so concerned and wanted to be by my side. She's fine, a little moody and sad of all the things i've told her. And came a call, cy knew and he was informed by my dad...

You see, my dad always does a thing, he would put his family's dignity onto someone and it came a gossips all around the public. When this already considered a devastating issue, he wouldn't mind telling cy my mistakes, and guess what?

My dad told cy, and cy never been told personally by me, which makes him hate me of not being honest as a bro. Ok, it was an issue happened in a day, just about the time i've sorted my case with my girl and wanted to sort it with him, he had been informed... And it's night time and i had the intention to tell cy personally, my dad blew it 'kaw kaw' for me. A celebration was called, i'm the dopest bullshit friend ever reckons by friends, story by My Dad...

After that, cy lectured me 'kaw kaw', i was having dinner with my girl. My mood got down so much and i wondered why my dad has to do this to me? Surprisingly my dad made a good connections with cy, that could really explains why i could never have more friends, just a few? I may less more friends after my dad's gossips on me.

Once he said he was told i'm having relationship with a Malay girl. You know, i wasn't in control of my emotions by that time, usually i just burst out my anger and started scolding my dad, and made him even more angry at me, and not much about the Malay girl anymore cuz maybe he's convinced i'm not such a desperado. It seems he heard something much about me, and therefore he make it such a big deal, without thinking about my stands, he told everyone about my case before me! I mean, this is a family business, my dad been telling everyone about it, does it make him a father who can't rule his family? And somehow he put my life at stakes, not so much of meaning dangers, like i can't make friends... And also letting him know i have a girlfriend or something, even i bought a car, i never let him knew about it. So it's much that i could say, dangerous la...

Thanks and grateful, God. I cherish the spare from You, you gave me the hard ones on my time now, not in the future, in order to clear my past sins.

However, cy was not in mood to have good times as buddies in the moment, i was left only with my darling, no friends that i could interfere. Really thanks to my dad, he made me realised why i ran away from home. I was young, when i hate something, i don't get to understand it but i'll do as i should by instinct. When i was asked, i can't explain, kind of tricky until all these things that happened to me, i'm acknowledged.

Thus, i'm through with this shit. Resolutions, Andy!